This is REAL real estate

Anyone who knows me, knows that I constantly whinge about editing real estate. Today I subbed an article about a land release in some bumfuck middle-of-nowhere outer-north suburb. The "sweeping views" were of clumps of grass and tumbleweed. The landscaped gardens were just excavated dirt.

I'm an advocate for "truth" in real estate, and if there was an "accuracy" in agent's reports, this would be a listing for my house:

A terrace house with real period charm - was built in the '20s and comes in its original condition.
It has a one-flush toilet that will mean you'll never want to do number twos again! And it's outdoors, meaning regular, refreshing trips outside in the freezing cold and pouring rain. Bathroom has shower and bath; mould and hair dye stains on the lino provided.
In the kitchen, a four-burner cook-top comes with crusty burnt food leftovers.
The lounge room is spacious, complete with trendy iron mark in the carpet.
Bedroom no.4 has a nine-metre ceiling, with a giant skylight that blinds you with daylight at 7am: no more sleep-ins! And a window, that goes to the dining area, so when your housemates come home at stupid o'clock and turn the light on, you'll know all about it. The high ceilings are also a feature in the other three bedrooms - you'll never be able to change a lightbulb again (unless you use a stepladder topped with 15 books and almost kill yourself)!
The front veranda is adorned with attractive fretwork, that may break off and nearly kill you at any moment - what a way to live on the edge!
Extra features include refrigerated cooling (it's like a freezer in winter) and central heating (furnace in the summer). The cracks in the walls also provide good ventilation.
Oh, and the location! Right next an engineering workshop that provides the rhythmic background noise of constant drilling, banging and ringing all day - well, only 9-5 on weekdays.
This sought-after Clifton Hill area also has a claim to fame - the notorious Hoddle Street murders happened just around the corner! And more recently, a cab driver got stabbed and almost died - just a skip and a jump away.
The crappiest pub in Melbourne is also just down the road. Train station nearby, but there are never trains running because of track maintenance works.
This house also comes with 'You suck' freshly spraypainted on front doorstep.
You better be quick - this baby won't last long.