I'm pretty sure our real estate/garden writer wants to have sex with this tree:
"The lemon-scented gum that stands sentry at the bluestone-paved driveway is absolutely breathtaking. Stretching some 40 metres skyward and boasting a bough span large enough to create significant shade, this tree has a girth that can only be measured by a group hug."
There's so much I could say but I won't.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
This is REAL real estate
Anyone who knows me, knows that I constantly whinge about editing real estate. Today I subbed an article about a land release in some bumfuck middle-of-nowhere outer-north suburb. The "sweeping views" were of clumps of grass and tumbleweed. The landscaped gardens were just excavated dirt.
I'm an advocate for "truth" in real estate, and if there was an "accuracy" in agent's reports, this would be a listing for my house:
A terrace house with real period charm - was built in the '20s and comes in its original condition.
It has a one-flush toilet that will mean you'll never want to do number twos again! And it's outdoors, meaning regular, refreshing trips outside in the freezing cold and pouring rain. Bathroom has shower and bath; mould and hair dye stains on the lino provided.
In the kitchen, a four-burner cook-top comes with crusty burnt food leftovers.
The lounge room is spacious, complete with trendy iron mark in the carpet.
Bedroom no.4 has a nine-metre ceiling, with a giant skylight that blinds you with daylight at 7am: no more sleep-ins! And a window, that goes to the dining area, so when your housemates come home at stupid o'clock and turn the light on, you'll know all about it. The high ceilings are also a feature in the other three bedrooms - you'll never be able to change a lightbulb again (unless you use a stepladder topped with 15 books and almost kill yourself)!
The front veranda is adorned with attractive fretwork, that may break off and nearly kill you at any moment - what a way to live on the edge!
Extra features include refrigerated cooling (it's like a freezer in winter) and central heating (furnace in the summer). The cracks in the walls also provide good ventilation.
Oh, and the location! Right next an engineering workshop that provides the rhythmic background noise of constant drilling, banging and ringing all day - well, only 9-5 on weekdays.
This sought-after Clifton Hill area also has a claim to fame - the notorious Hoddle Street murders happened just around the corner! And more recently, a cab driver got stabbed and almost died - just a skip and a jump away.
The crappiest pub in Melbourne is also just down the road. Train station nearby, but there are never trains running because of track maintenance works.
This house also comes with 'You suck' freshly spraypainted on front doorstep.
You better be quick - this baby won't last long.
I'm an advocate for "truth" in real estate, and if there was an "accuracy" in agent's reports, this would be a listing for my house:
A terrace house with real period charm - was built in the '20s and comes in its original condition.
It has a one-flush toilet that will mean you'll never want to do number twos again! And it's outdoors, meaning regular, refreshing trips outside in the freezing cold and pouring rain. Bathroom has shower and bath; mould and hair dye stains on the lino provided.
In the kitchen, a four-burner cook-top comes with crusty burnt food leftovers.
The lounge room is spacious, complete with trendy iron mark in the carpet.
Bedroom no.4 has a nine-metre ceiling, with a giant skylight that blinds you with daylight at 7am: no more sleep-ins! And a window, that goes to the dining area, so when your housemates come home at stupid o'clock and turn the light on, you'll know all about it. The high ceilings are also a feature in the other three bedrooms - you'll never be able to change a lightbulb again (unless you use a stepladder topped with 15 books and almost kill yourself)!
The front veranda is adorned with attractive fretwork, that may break off and nearly kill you at any moment - what a way to live on the edge!
Extra features include refrigerated cooling (it's like a freezer in winter) and central heating (furnace in the summer). The cracks in the walls also provide good ventilation.
Oh, and the location! Right next an engineering workshop that provides the rhythmic background noise of constant drilling, banging and ringing all day - well, only 9-5 on weekdays.
This sought-after Clifton Hill area also has a claim to fame - the notorious Hoddle Street murders happened just around the corner! And more recently, a cab driver got stabbed and almost died - just a skip and a jump away.
The crappiest pub in Melbourne is also just down the road. Train station nearby, but there are never trains running because of track maintenance works.
This house also comes with 'You suck' freshly spraypainted on front doorstep.
You better be quick - this baby won't last long.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Vaginas rock!!
So everyone's banging on about the sausagefest that was the Triple J's Hottest 100, but I'm wondering how many of these whingers voted for a female artist - or a band containing a female - in their top 10 lists, or if they even voted at all.
The noticeable absence of females does raise some concerns, but I blame it on two things: the fact that there are more male artists and bands in general (I don't have the statistics, but I'm sure males outnumber female musicians by a massive margin) and that the majority of the more commercially successful female artists - particularly those over the last two decades -are the kind that pump out catchy, but ultimately forgettable, pop tunes that are far from "classics" - well, not by Triple J listeners' standards anyway.
24. Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks
25. Jefferson Airplane - Somebody to Love
26. Elastica - Connection
27. Lulu - To Sir, With Love
28. Bjork - Isobel
32. The Carpenters - Tambourine Man
33. Joan Jett - I Love Rock and Roll
34. Martha and the Muffins - Echo Beach
35. Patti Smith - Because the Night
36. The Slits - Heard It On the Grapevine
37. Yvonne Elliman - If I Can't Have You
38. Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights
39. Donna Summer - I Love the Nightlife
40. PJ Harvey - Good Fortune
41. Cat Power - Metal Heart
42. Bjork - Hyperballad
43. Nina Simone - Sinnerman
44. Cat Power - Sea of Love
45. Portishead - Glory Box
46. Delerium (featuring Sarah McLachlan) - Silence
47. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings - 100 Days, 100 Nights
48. Lamb - Gorecki
49. Blondie - Heart of Glass
50. Shirlee Bassee - Big Spender
51. Bjork - Big-Time Sensuality
52. PJ Harvey - This is Love
53. Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time
54. The Shirelles - Will You Love Me Tomorrow
55. Nancy Sinatra - These Boots are Made for Walking
56. Madonna - Like a Prayer
57. The Pretenders - Brass in Pocket
58. Goldfrapp - Black Cherry
59. Veruca Salt - Seether
60. Blondie - Rapture
61. Madonna - Live To Tell
62. Tori Amos - Professional Widow
63. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings - How Long
66. Magic Dirt - Locket
67. The Divinyls - Boys in Town
68. The Cranberries - Zombie
69. Amy Winehouse - Rehab
70. Fleetwood Mac - Tusk
71. I feel the Earth Move - Carole King
72. The Divinyls - Pleasure and Pain
73. Moloko - Sing it Back
74. Sarah Blasko - Don't U Eva
75. Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch
76. Lily Allen - Smile
77. Fiona Apple - Criminal
78. The Bangles - Eternal Flame
79. Kylie Minogue - I Can't Get You Out Of My Head
80. Mavis Staples - I'll Take You There
81. Magic Dirt - Dirty Jeans
82. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
83. Sharon Jones and Dap Kings - What Have You Done For Me Lately?
84. Lisa Loeb - Stay
85. The Pretenders - Middle of the Road
86. L7 - Pretend That We're Dead
87. The Cranberries - Dreams
89. PJ Harvey - To Bring You My Love
90. Sarah Blasko - Perfect Now
91. The Bangles - Walk Like an Egyptian
92. Cyndi Lauper - True Colours
93. Camera Obscura - Let's Get Out of This Country
94. Gossip - Standing In the Way of Control
95. Regina Spektor - Real Love
96. Blue Boy - Remember Me
97. Beth Orton - She Cries Your Name
98. Eurythmics - There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart)
99. Garbage - Stupid Girl
100. Janis Joplin - Me and Bobby McGee
The noticeable absence of females does raise some concerns, but I blame it on two things: the fact that there are more male artists and bands in general (I don't have the statistics, but I'm sure males outnumber female musicians by a massive margin) and that the majority of the more commercially successful female artists - particularly those over the last two decades -are the kind that pump out catchy, but ultimately forgettable, pop tunes that are far from "classics" - well, not by Triple J listeners' standards anyway.
However, there is some fantastic female talent out there, and to give them the credit they deserve, I'm going to put together my all-female Hottest 100 songs of all time.
This required a lot of time-wasting at work, and the order of the songs probably still isn't up to scratch, and there's songs surely that have been left out, but frankly, I couldn't give a toss.
THE ALL-FEMALE HOTTEST 100 OF ALL TIME:
1. Dolly Parton - Jolene
2. Breeders - Cannonball
3. Fleetwood Mac - Dreams
4. Dusty Springfield - Son of a Preacher Man
5. Aretha Franklin - Respect
6. Roberta Flack - Killing Me Softly
7. Janis Joplin - Piece of My Heart
8. Nina Simone - Feeling Good
9. Heartbeats - The Knife
10. Joni Mitchell - Big Yellow Taxi
11. The Supremes - Baby Love
12. Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang
13. Lesley Gore - You Don't Own Me
14. Salt'n'Pepa - Push It
15. Blondie - Atomic
16. Shirley Bassee - Diamonds Are Forever
17. Mazzy Star - Fade Into You
18. Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams19. Nina Simone - My Baby Just Cares for Me
20. Everything But the Girl - Missing
21. Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2U
22. Ronettes - Be My Baby
23. Dusty Springfield - Spooky
24. Hole -Violet24. Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks
25. Jefferson Airplane - Somebody to Love
26. Elastica - Connection
27. Lulu - To Sir, With Love
28. Bjork - Isobel
29. Fleetwood Mac - Seven Wonders
30. The Seekers - Georgie Girl
32. The Carpenters - Tambourine Man
33. Joan Jett - I Love Rock and Roll
34. Martha and the Muffins - Echo Beach
35. Patti Smith - Because the Night
36. The Slits - Heard It On the Grapevine
37. Yvonne Elliman - If I Can't Have You
38. Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights
39. Donna Summer - I Love the Nightlife
40. PJ Harvey - Good Fortune
41. Cat Power - Metal Heart
42. Bjork - Hyperballad
43. Nina Simone - Sinnerman
44. Cat Power - Sea of Love
45. Portishead - Glory Box
46. Delerium (featuring Sarah McLachlan) - Silence
47. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings - 100 Days, 100 Nights
48. Lamb - Gorecki
49. Blondie - Heart of Glass
50. Shirlee Bassee - Big Spender
51. Bjork - Big-Time Sensuality
52. PJ Harvey - This is Love
53. Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time
54. The Shirelles - Will You Love Me Tomorrow
55. Nancy Sinatra - These Boots are Made for Walking
56. Madonna - Like a Prayer
57. The Pretenders - Brass in Pocket
58. Goldfrapp - Black Cherry
59. Veruca Salt - Seether
60. Blondie - Rapture
61. Madonna - Live To Tell
62. Tori Amos - Professional Widow
63. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings - How Long
64. Tori Amos - Cornflake Girl
65. Hole - Doll Parts66. Magic Dirt - Locket
67. The Divinyls - Boys in Town
68. The Cranberries - Zombie
69. Amy Winehouse - Rehab
70. Fleetwood Mac - Tusk
71. I feel the Earth Move - Carole King
72. The Divinyls - Pleasure and Pain
73. Moloko - Sing it Back
74. Sarah Blasko - Don't U Eva
75. Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch
76. Lily Allen - Smile
77. Fiona Apple - Criminal
78. The Bangles - Eternal Flame
79. Kylie Minogue - I Can't Get You Out Of My Head
80. Mavis Staples - I'll Take You There
81. Magic Dirt - Dirty Jeans
82. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
83. Sharon Jones and Dap Kings - What Have You Done For Me Lately?
84. Lisa Loeb - Stay
85. The Pretenders - Middle of the Road
86. L7 - Pretend That We're Dead
87. The Cranberries - Dreams
89. PJ Harvey - To Bring You My Love
90. Sarah Blasko - Perfect Now
91. The Bangles - Walk Like an Egyptian
92. Cyndi Lauper - True Colours
93. Camera Obscura - Let's Get Out of This Country
94. Gossip - Standing In the Way of Control
95. Regina Spektor - Real Love
96. Blue Boy - Remember Me
97. Beth Orton - She Cries Your Name
98. Eurythmics - There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart)
99. Garbage - Stupid Girl
100. Janis Joplin - Me and Bobby McGee
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