Congratulations: you're fired!!

Today we had our staff awards (we have them quarterly). In a time of financial doom and gloom, in which most employees are being laid off/forced to quit/made redundant, the company decided to, for the first time, throw a little ‘presentation party’ with beer, wine and little puff-pastry goodies provided. A member of management even decided to dress up in some ridiculous-looking stripy shorts and bow tie for the event and crack lame jokes. We were all congratulated for our hard work and encouraged to get to know our fellow employees during the session.
All the cheesy team-building camaraderie immediately put us on edge. ‘What are they buttering us up for?” we thought. “Are some more lay-offs in store? What is this all about?”
I wondered if the company had been inspired by the recent Logies, and decided to continue the theme of unnecessary ceremonies to celebrate mediocrity (aka excuse to get pissed on cheap booze). I was expecting Gretel Killeen to walk in at any minute.
They even had a door prize. I was handed a ticket as I grabbed a nice cold Heineken from the bar fridge and company-funded pastry-wrapped goodie from the plate. I wondered what on earth the prize could be. “Yes, ticket number L55! You’ve been fired!”
That said, I wouldn’t mind winning an award. I mean, I need a new paperweight. Or something to throw at the CEO when he walks past my desk. And I was amazed that an organisation with such a tight-ass reputation could afford to give out Myer vouchers as prizes worth a whopping $50!! Whoa, hold on guys, aren’t we in a recession? Shouldn’t we be tightening our belts, not loosening them? I was waiting for management to say ‘Thankyou to the many people we sacked over the past six months. Their wages are paying for the free beer, wine and food. Oh, and the paperweights.’
They even had a ‘Paris Hilton’ award for “performance outside the workplace”. Why don’t they just come right out and call it the “Sexual Discrimination Award”. The girl who won it (I can’t remember what for, even) did not look the least bit impressed, and red-faced and reluctant, made her way to the front to accept the award, only to be snapped by the photographer when she wasn’t expecting it. Damn paparazzi!
They had an ‘Energiser bunny’ award and one for the best ‘cross-seller’, which drew a few amused titters from the crowd.
I guess it was their way of keeping people motivated and lifting morale in the workplace. I’m not sure it worked though. It all seemed so put-on and farcical. Give me Gretel Killeen and the Logies any day.